Lately i have been feeling a lot like God has let me down. I know right…CRAZY! But, I can’t help it. Yes nothing extremely horrible has happened to me, I have had quite the sheltered life. The worst thing that has happened to me is probably what those, who have really had life” happen” to them, would experience on a good day, and yet i feel a lot like the disappointments keep piling up and there is nothing i can do about it. You know what i mean…those moments when all you seem notice is bumper stickers that say…”God’s time is the best time” OR my personal favourite…sometimes God tells us to wait when we ask for something.” Like most of humanity, patience has never been virtue of mine. In my head i know that’s just how he works when I’m not ready for whatever it is i am asking for, but in my heart, i feel like he has given up on me. Reconciling my head and my heart is a challenged i am working on.
I was meditating earlier today and during my appointment with God i wandered to a very low point, moments i am not proud of. I found myself asking God what i had ever done to him to deserve this kind of treatment. After all, he gave me these hopes and dreams and its rather unfair that he decided not to follow through on their delivery as and when i want them. Now, like most of us, i know that i am a sinner so i really am not deserving of any of the amazing things God has done for me. But, like i said earlier, reconciling my head and heart to knowing the same truth has been a bit of a challenge. To justify my “WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS” moment or in this case to not deserve this, i went on to say he’s supposed to be my dad and like all parenting dynamics the kids do all sorts of crazy things and get away with it. Parents do not really love their kids any less just because they have been naughty and well why should the God and i dynamic be any different. I was after all raised to believe that He does not hold our sins against us as leverage for what we desire. So i figured i must have done something really bad to deserve this, hence my questioning God on what i had done that was so bad that God seemed to have been done with me. I can’t possibly have hurt him as much as he is hurting me.
Then as soon as i had the thought i got an image in my head. Me with Jesus face to face…lifting each of his hands and one at a time, driving nails through his flesh. The image of the crucifixion of Christ but, in this case it was me physically nailing him to the cross. That is when it hit me. I had completely misunderstood what him dying on the cross meant or what the dynamic of my relationship with him was. The true meaning of Easter dawned on me. I have always known what Easter was but like i mentioned earlier…the reconciliation of head and heart…foreign concept. He died for me…I nailed him to that cross with every sin i commit. Every lashing he took on my behalf so that i may not suffer was because of me…I did that to him. I have never really felt the meaning of those moments leading to his last breath on the cross. Like any person with an over active imagination, I started imagining every last sin and tallied it with every lashing he received on his back. By now i think you have gathered that i am a visual person. All this brought me back to my question. “what have i ever done to you, and why are you set on punishing me a lot more than i have ever hurt you.” Dont get me wrong, i am not saying every disappointment in our lives is punishment our wrong doings. I shudder at the thought of being punished according to my every offence, i am however saying that I have always known that i am a sinner. I in fact publish this bit of knowledge with no shame. But i feel like in as much as i know that i am not perfect i don’t really understand what this means. It seems more like a trending accessory to humanity that all the cool and wise kids are wearing. I am therefore undeserving of his mercy, yet he freely gives it to me anyway. Just as he freely blesses me, given its on his own schedule, but he does so anyway, despite my massive shortcomings. Even more so when i am ready does he let me have what i ask for. He makes sure that the timing is perfect for me and at that i wondered. What more could i ask for.