I don’t really remember when or how we first met, all I know is that he was my housemate’s friend. He would drop by every now and then and say hi, drop a pick-up line or two, then be on his way. To be honest, I never took the pick-up lines seriously, I just thought he was my housemate’s funny friend and they seemed cute together. I remember him asking me one thing though: “Chico, when are we gonna be friends, you’re always in that room of yours glaring at your laptop, trust me I am just as interesting, if not more.” I laughed it off and said: “maybe in the summer when I finally get out from under the covers and into the living room,” and we laughed about it, but the promise of tomorrow hung in the air.
As time went on, Des would knock on my door just to say hi, make a joke or two for my ears only and before I knew it, he was on my laptop adding himself as my Facebook friend just because I had the audacity to browse through Facebook whilst he spoke to me. That was the first time he got really comfortable in my space and I allowed it. He started to say things like; “do I make you shy, you seem to be restless when I am around?” I denied it, of course! DENY! DENY! DENY!
Although he did make me feel like a teenage girl around her first crush. We exchanged numbers and started talking about nothing and everything. He invited me to a couple of parties and even asked me to be his date for a college event and I declined gracefully, as I really was not looking to be found but there was something to be said about his persistence. I let him into my room once and I showed him what sets my heart on fire. He was more than interested as far as I could tell, but now that I think about it, he was probably just trying to get into my inner circle. As it turns out, I do not trust easily and he had just over a foot in the door of my comfort zone.
Things got interesting when he was invited by my best friend to be at a surprise party that was thrown to congratulate me for getting elected as the Student Body President. What can I say, any excuse to throw a good party. I had seen him the previous night and we had laughed about nothing and everything and he had kept his lips sealed about his surprise appearance at my party the next day. It was on this day that we shared our first kiss under the cover of the night’s sky by the balcony. He had mumbled something about wanting our first kiss to be special and I had inwardly thought I’ve heard that too many times before and it was not going to work on me. We had laughed the night away and kissed some of it away too. Then came the days after, when he would visit me and I him. We would talk at first then as time went on there was more kissing and with more kissing came the question or rather the request.
The first time he had whispered “I want you,” I had thought he was joking because in my mind nobody transitioned into that stage of friendship with that much speed and besides, I felt a little insulted that he thought I would be an easy conquest, even though we had transitioned from the winter into the summer both seasonally and emotionally.
There had never been any promises except those of a good time, so how could I hold his request against him?! In this day and age, it was a natural response to people of the opposite sex getting on well and his intentions had always been honorable, or rather, today’s definition of honorable.
Except, I did hold his request against him because when all was said and done, I am a certain definition of a lady, and to me that is not how you treat a lady- where did Mr Darcy go indeed?? I was naive enough to believe that the rest of the world felt the same. My nos fell on deaf ears and although he never forced anything, he never stopped trying. His hands and lips made my body betray that which my lips were saying and for that alone, he figured my nos, where “yeses, stop it I like it kind of moments” attempted to have a firm hold over me. For the the first time ever, I finally discovered the danger of intimacy with someone you do not plan to go all the way with. I could have actually betrayed myself, except when it was crunch time, I said a convincing NO, which did not sound a lot like a maybe. I can’t blame the guy for thinking I needed a bit of convincing.
He backed off. One could even say he was very nice about the whole thing, not wanting to be the guy who walked away just because he didn’t get what he wanted. The day after we almost went too far because I had convinced myself somewhere along the lines that it did not really matter if we did it, he had had the good sense to be the voice of reason against his male nature. I eventually decided to lay it all down for him and tell him I would not be in a room with him without a chaperone…funny, but true.
At times we put ourselves in the situations we end up in and we try to shift the blame off ourselves for it. That is how the summer of 2015 had been the summer I stopped drawing blurred lines…