I’m 23 and it looks like I should have my life figured out by now. I look around and all I see is my summa cum laude graduated highschool classmates, stable relationships, God is in control type post all over my news feed, Its almost like Their faith, love life and academinc life all got brewed up into a pot of merriment and success and what am i doing, I am a college dropout doing educational time in one of the oddest places in the world. I’m not even sure when my last honest prayer was. I say too much and feel too violently I pee all over my life at least once a day and the lives of those who have figured this thing out are just collateral damage the icing to the cake? I am a level 5 drama queen (level 5 being the highest). A spoken word artist once said “You’re not capable of the monsoon necessary to calm this storm” But then again I think in the artist’s context my interpration is a little “alternative” because though many have tried to tame this confused, constantly apologsing for the chaos within self, they have failed. Have you ever met a storm so calm that though it leaves chaos in its wake you never see it coming. Well that’s me.
I look at my life, and on most days I think of how much I have failed to live up to the expectation the world had of me or my own expectations of myself for that matter. Yes maybe statistically speaking, I should have graduated by now or I should be posting about my awesome boyfriend and deep fulfilliung faith. Here is the thing, I’m just not there yet and I don’t know if I ever will get there but I am starting to realise that I am enough and not everyone will see this (including myself) and that is more than ok because on the best days I accept me, as I am.